This always makes me think of you...
Saturday, March 29, 2014
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Dear Andrew,
I know I haven't written to you in awhile but as you know I am always thinking about you. I always write you letters in my head as I'm falling asleep at night but never remember to actually write them down the next day.
Most of the time they are filled with how much I miss you and how much I love you. They are filled with worry, regret, and sadness. There are so many things that we are going to miss out on with you. A whole lifetime of little milestones. Your first smile, you starting to crawl, walk, talk, your first day of school, your first everything. We are even going to miss the days where nothing significant happens but would still mean the world to us to have. What we wouldn't give for the boring days or the stressful days of tears and tantrums.
We were in Cork this weekend visiting your father's family and spending time with your cousins. I was trying to imagine what it would be like to have had you with us as a little nine month old hanging out with your two and a half year old cousin. Would you be a happy baby? Would you be a cranky baby? How would the weekend have gone if you were with us? And the odd thing was that I can't really picture it. I can't imagine you past your newborn stage. I have this block in my head as to what you should look like now. Would you still have the little curls that you were born with? What would your eyes look like? I never saw your eyes and I always wish I had. I think that is one of the biggest things I wonder about because it's what I always wondered about when you were in my belly. I see other babies that were born around the same time as you and they look so different now. You would have changed so much that my mind can't get around the fact that I don't know what you would look like. We are so used to having this grief in our lives in place of a baby that this feels normal rather than the happiness we should be experiencing with you.
Even with your little brother I can't imagine what it will be like to have him home. I don't dare to really thing about it. I don't want to get my hopes up which is ridiculous because even behind the façade my hopes are already up. I would be just as crushed if anything happens to this baby as when it happened it you. I can't think about that but I also can't think about a happy ending. It's limbo and it's a hard place to be at the moment. I'm grieving for you and grieving the loss of my innocence in this pregnancy. I know we are lucky that we conceived your little brother so quickly but it doesn't take away the pain we feel since losing you. And it doesn't make things any easier.
I went to the store to buy your brother something after we found out he was a boy. Something that would just be his since he is receiving everything we bought for you. It was too difficult. I came home and sobbed to your dad and bought you presents instead. Its easier to buy little trinkets for your grave than to buy clothes for your little brother. Something about that seems so wrong. Thankfully your father understood and didn't know why I went by myself. I didn't think anything of it originally. But then there was a little onesie that said something about being a little brother and that really sent me over the edge. Even when he is born there should be two of you. We should have you and this little one. It's always going to feel like something is missing no matter how many children we have. Because we are missing our first baby.
I need you to watch over this little one. I know I tell you that every time I visit you but this is your role as older brother. Don't let anything happen to him and help him safely into this world. We need you here with us more than ever.
We miss you.
We love you.
I know I haven't written to you in awhile but as you know I am always thinking about you. I always write you letters in my head as I'm falling asleep at night but never remember to actually write them down the next day.
Most of the time they are filled with how much I miss you and how much I love you. They are filled with worry, regret, and sadness. There are so many things that we are going to miss out on with you. A whole lifetime of little milestones. Your first smile, you starting to crawl, walk, talk, your first day of school, your first everything. We are even going to miss the days where nothing significant happens but would still mean the world to us to have. What we wouldn't give for the boring days or the stressful days of tears and tantrums.
We were in Cork this weekend visiting your father's family and spending time with your cousins. I was trying to imagine what it would be like to have had you with us as a little nine month old hanging out with your two and a half year old cousin. Would you be a happy baby? Would you be a cranky baby? How would the weekend have gone if you were with us? And the odd thing was that I can't really picture it. I can't imagine you past your newborn stage. I have this block in my head as to what you should look like now. Would you still have the little curls that you were born with? What would your eyes look like? I never saw your eyes and I always wish I had. I think that is one of the biggest things I wonder about because it's what I always wondered about when you were in my belly. I see other babies that were born around the same time as you and they look so different now. You would have changed so much that my mind can't get around the fact that I don't know what you would look like. We are so used to having this grief in our lives in place of a baby that this feels normal rather than the happiness we should be experiencing with you.
Even with your little brother I can't imagine what it will be like to have him home. I don't dare to really thing about it. I don't want to get my hopes up which is ridiculous because even behind the façade my hopes are already up. I would be just as crushed if anything happens to this baby as when it happened it you. I can't think about that but I also can't think about a happy ending. It's limbo and it's a hard place to be at the moment. I'm grieving for you and grieving the loss of my innocence in this pregnancy. I know we are lucky that we conceived your little brother so quickly but it doesn't take away the pain we feel since losing you. And it doesn't make things any easier.
I went to the store to buy your brother something after we found out he was a boy. Something that would just be his since he is receiving everything we bought for you. It was too difficult. I came home and sobbed to your dad and bought you presents instead. Its easier to buy little trinkets for your grave than to buy clothes for your little brother. Something about that seems so wrong. Thankfully your father understood and didn't know why I went by myself. I didn't think anything of it originally. But then there was a little onesie that said something about being a little brother and that really sent me over the edge. Even when he is born there should be two of you. We should have you and this little one. It's always going to feel like something is missing no matter how many children we have. Because we are missing our first baby.
I need you to watch over this little one. I know I tell you that every time I visit you but this is your role as older brother. Don't let anything happen to him and help him safely into this world. We need you here with us more than ever.
We miss you.
We love you.
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Dear Andrew,
Today is a big day. Today is the day we find out if everything is ok with your little brother/sister and hopefully if they are a boy or a girl. I've been a bundle of nerves for a few days now. All I can think about is you and this little one which makes it impossible to concentrate on anything else.
I miss you so much and I miss the carefree feeling of your pregnancy. Those days are long gone and making this pregnancy so much harder to enjoy. Don't get me wrong, I love those little kicks and movements but a few hours without them and I am instantly worried. It's a fear I never felt with you until the last few weeks. I always worried about your movement towards the end.
I came to visit you this morning to have a chat just the three of us. I hope you heard and are watching out for this little one. I just miss you so much and wish you were here baby.
I love you.
Today is a big day. Today is the day we find out if everything is ok with your little brother/sister and hopefully if they are a boy or a girl. I've been a bundle of nerves for a few days now. All I can think about is you and this little one which makes it impossible to concentrate on anything else.
I miss you so much and I miss the carefree feeling of your pregnancy. Those days are long gone and making this pregnancy so much harder to enjoy. Don't get me wrong, I love those little kicks and movements but a few hours without them and I am instantly worried. It's a fear I never felt with you until the last few weeks. I always worried about your movement towards the end.
I came to visit you this morning to have a chat just the three of us. I hope you heard and are watching out for this little one. I just miss you so much and wish you were here baby.
I love you.
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