Dear Andrew,

Life is just moving too quickly.  I was thinking today about how it's been nearly two years since we lost you.  How is that possible?  Some days it feels like it only happened yesterday and other times it feels like it happened to someone else.  It feels like a lifetime ago but the pain still feels so fresh.  It's a confusing feeling.

Your little brother changes daily.  He's growing and learning and becoming his own little person.  I don't see you in him anyone the way I did in the beginning.  And a part of me is sad about that.  I can't see past what you looked like as a newborn.  I can't compare you two.  It ended after your brother was born.  There was no more to compare.  And that is devastating.  Just another layer of loss that no one thinks about.

I find myself very emotional randomly.  I can be doing something mundane and you just pop into my head.  Not a day goes by where I don't think of you at least once but if I am honest I think about you multiple times a day.  I miss you so much and grieve for your daily.  It might not be as raw as it was nearly two years ago but it is still there.  I still miss you and wonder about you and think about you and love you.

Dear Andrew,

This past weekend was mother's day.  I thought that having Liam this year would make the day pass a little easier.  And it did help but I was surprised at how sad the weekend made me as well.  It's our second mother's day without you.  Last year was unbearable.  I couldn't cope and was just counting down the days to getting your brother safely here.  But this year, he is here safely and I still felt an overwhelming sadness at how different life should be.

I have found myself wondering more and more what life would be like with the two of you.  We were watching a baby on you tube who is a couple months younger than you should be right now and Liam was laughing away.  I couldn't help but wonder how much he would love you and laugh at you if you were here now.  Would you two be best buddies?  Crawling and running around the house?  What would life look like with the two of you in it?  I guess it's something that I will forever be wondering about. 

When we lost you we didn't just lose a baby.  We lost a life with you.  We lost you as a baby, a toddler, a child, a teenager, and an adult.  I am seeing this more and more as your brother grows and discovers new things.  We missed so many things with you and all I am left with is this sadness and morbid curiosity of what life could have been like.

I miss you so much.  More and more each day.  I love you baby boy.  xx