Dear Andrew,

This was what I said when we buried you.  I hope somewhere, somehow you heard me.

I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be.

I use to read this book to our son Andrew while he was in the womb thinking about how excited Pat and I were for his arrival.  I always felt ridiculous reading to my belly but now the words from this book resonate more than I could have ever known.  I wish I had spent more time reading and talking to him.  I never knew how much I could love this little person that I never got the chance to know outside my body.  I’ve gotten to know him over the last nine months and miss him so much.  I miss his nearly hourly kicking and flipping routine, the bump on my belly that I could rub when I was thinking of him, the fact he’d react to Pat’s voice when he was talking to him, and imagining what our lives would be like with him in it.  I know both of us were so excited to start this new part of our life with him.  I like to think he was just as excited to meet us. 

I remember our first ultrasound at 9 weeks and seeing that little person wiggling around but it just didn’t seem real.  Then we had the 20 week ultrasound and found out he was a boy.  He was stubborn in that scan and definitely didn’t want us to know that he was a boy both of us joked he was acting like the other.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen Pat so excited about anything and I loved imagining what a baby version of Pat and I would look like.  Finally we had our 3D scan where we got a glimpse at what a beautiful little boy we had created.  I knew instantly that I had so much love for this little boy and how our lives would never be the same with him in it.  I loved those cheeks, and that full head of hair.  Even that early on he looked exactly like I imagined he would.  Pat and I excitedly talked about what life would be like and even joked about pulling all nighters and who would be in charge of cleaning dirty diapers.  We bought him all the New England sports pjs and of course a Manchester United onsie.  I used to daydream about what it would be like to have this perfect little person in our lives.  He changed our lives and I love him more than I ever knew.  I just wish he was here to know how many people loved him before he even arrived.

When I imagine the life Andrew could have had my heart breaks.  I see someone who looks like his father but with my curly hair, determined and stubborn like both of us and had so much love to both give and receive.  I had so many hopes and dreams for our son- a dream that he would live a life full of love and happiness.  Although his life was short he is loved beyond any words. 

Andrew’s name means strong man which I hope means that he will give us the strength to get through this surreal heartbreak.  Even though he is gone I hope and pray that he is somewhere looking out for us and is now our guardian angel. We will love him forever and always.  He will always be our baby.

Dear Andrew,

I think about you every second of every day.  I am so sorry that I couldn't protect you while you were inside of me.  I think you hear me apologize to you everyday when I visit your grave but I can't apologize enough.  I was supposed to be able to keep you safe.  I was supposed to watch out for you.  I did my best and it just wasn't good enough and for that I will be forever sorry.

I love you so much and miss you everyday.  I know people have told me that you get used to living with the grief but it seems so unfair that life should go on without you.  How does everything keep moving along when you've died?  It makes me so angry.  We should have a baby that is nearly three months old.  Instead we have a nursery collecting dust and a grave to visit.

My heart and soul aches without you and I struggle day to day.  You were my world while you were alive and part of me died the day you died.  I will never be the same but I would never wish you away.  I cherish every moment I had with you.  I just wish there were more of them and I wish I had spent more time talking to you and loving you while you were here.

Dear Andrew,

It's been 80 days since we found out your heart had stopped.  It's been 79 days since you were born.  79 days of tears, grief, and darkness.  We love you so much and were so excited to meet you.  It's unbelievably sad that we never met you outside of my body when you were alive.  I knew you though.  I knew your kicks every morning around 10 and then multiple times throughout the day.  I counted them with a smile on my face.  I talked to you and read to you and loved you.  Your father loved talking to you in my belly too.  I dreamed of what it was going to be like to finally meet you...to hold you and to be a family.  I loved you more than anything in my life and still do.  Nothing will change that.