Dear Andrew,

The past few weeks have been tough.  Rather than feeling stronger I feel more emotional.  I feel like I could weep over anything and the thoughts of you instantly bring tears to my eyes.  I don't know if it is because we are edging closer to your first anniversary or if it is because we are edging closer to your brother being born.  I can't relax.  I can't feel stress free.  All I do is worry about your brother and miss you so much.  Sometimes it seems like so few people understand.  I want to enjoy this pregnancy but all I do is worry about losing your brother too.

Could I handle it again at this stage?  I don't think I could.  We went to get the 3D scan of your brother yesterday to have a peek and do something that we also did for you.  He looks like you but doesn't look like you. But upon seeing his face all I could think about was what will I do if I lose this one too?  I couldn't be truly happy which is sad for this little one.

The technician asked if he was our first.  I told her that you were our first and we lost you at 41 weeks.  Her response was that she was sorry she asked!  Who says that?!?!  Does she really think that her one question is the only reason I would be upset?  Do people think I forget about you if you aren't brought up in conversation?  I want to yell your name everywhere I go.  I want people to know that you existed.  Not just to your family who constantly acknowledge you but everyone who knows us.

Needless to say the rest of the scan went ok.  We were excited to see your little brother but it was strange seeing another little face in there.  A face in place of where you were at the same time last year.  When we came out of the room everyone asked if were excited and talking about your brother's impending arrival.  We tried to act excited but it just isn't there.  The two of us are just so scare of something happening that neither of us wants to get our hopes up.  As if that would protect us if anything were to happen.  It reminded me of when we went ring shopping a few weeks after you had passed.  Everyone in the shop kept congratulating us and we pretended to be happy.  But I could tell by the looks that we weren't doing a good job.  No one understands how a lot of the joy in things is gone now.  Maybe they will come back someday but they haven't come back yet.  Everything that should be fun and happy just makes me think of you and how you should be here with us.

We went to visit you yesterday, as we do every weekend and I broke down at your grave again.  Your father was saying how much you would have loved that minion in your box and the stupid little songs that they sing.  It just broke my heart to think that you should be nearly 11 months old.  You should be yelling at minions singing on tv and cuddling with us and making us indiscriminately happy.  Instead, all I can do is cry at your grave, cry at the thought of what should be, and cry at all that we lost the day you died.

I bought a little canvas for your brothers room that has a phrase from the book that we buried you with.  I can't even look at this book to that day never mind actually read it to your little brother.  But hopefully this little quote can be another thing that ties the two of you together. 

I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be.