Dear Andrew,

Some days I just don't have the strength to put my pain into words. 

Some days are so hard that just getting through them in emotionally exhausting.  It takes all of my energy just to pretend to the world that I can function in it without you.

Some days all I do is think of you.

Tomorrow will be 11 months since we lost you.  As we get closer to your brother's due date and your anniversary I am starting to relive our experience with you.  I dream about losing your brother all the time.  I relive losing you.  The pain, the shock, and the numbness.  I relive the labor and the quiet birth where you never took your first breath and never cried for us.  I relive that pain and sadness and overwhelming grief.

Some days I still can't believe you were here and then you weren't.  I still can't believe that this happened to us.

Some days a wave of realization hits me that this really did happen.  You really did die hours before you were born and 8 days past your due date.  And every time that realization hits me I am just as shocked as the first time we were told your heart was no longer beating.

I don't know how we've made it through the last 11 months.  It's been hard.  It's been emotional and there have been more tears than I could ever count.

Everyday I miss you and everyday I wonder why we had to lose you.  I don't think your loss is something I will ever accept.  I miss you too much and it hurts.

I love you.