Dear Andrew,

365 days ago I started my first day of maternity leave.  This was the real start of the countdown to your arrival.  You were due the 31st of May and I had a strong feeling you were going to be late.  But 365 days ago I was still naïve.  365 days ago you were still alive.  You were moving inside me and assuring me that you were safe.  We were preparing for a life with you that in reality was nothing like we imagined.  We never thought we'd lose you.  I figured at that stage I would worry about how to take care of you after you were born rather than worry about the details in-between.  Little did I know, I wouldn't need to worry about any of that.

I'm jealous of the me from 365 days ago.  The happy, content, naïve me.  The one who didn't know anything could still go wrong.  The one who was so assured of your safe arrival  The one who was so relaxed and excited about you finally arriving into the world.   The me of 365 days ago who is no longer here.

Now, one year later I'm 32 weeks pregnant with your little brother.  I'm anxious.  I'm nervous.  I'm a wreck.  The blinders are off.  I know of too many things that can go wrong and I just can't breathe comfortably until your little brother is safely here. 

We have so much to get through before that day though.  We have your due date in two weeks and then eight days later we have your anniversary.  We have your brother's growth scan.  We have to balance grieving your loss while celebrating your little brother's life. 

It's a hard road and we miss you everyday.  I always imagine what you would look like now and think back to the few things I have from when you were alive.  Would you have all that curly auburn hair you were born with?  What would your eyes look like when they are opened?  Would you be crawling?  Would you be walking?  How different would life look if you had been alive and survived?

365 days ago you were here with us.

It's amazing how much can change in a second.

We love you.