Dear Andrew,

A year ago today (June 6th) at this time I was preparing for one of my last antenatal visits.  I was 40+6 days and it was time to start induction.  I was doing everything I could to get you going.  I was walking five miles a day and bouncing on those yoga balls but you were too content to stay.  You were happy where you were.

We went to our appointment that afternoon and had the longest wait we have ever had at the hospital.  We were there three hours before being seen by anyone.  And when we got in there it was a student doctor!  Your father was disgusted.  He was already late for work due to the incredibly long wait and then we had to deal with a student doctor.  She did all the checks she was supposed to and then we started talking about counting kicks.  I told her how I counted your kicks with a touch of OCD.  I was obsessed with making sure you moved which was difficult because you were a quiet baby.  I will forever remember her telling me not to worry, that nothing happens this far along in the pregnancy.

Finally a doctor came in to see us and checked you.  Everything was functioning normally.  You had a lot of fluid, the placenta looked good, and you had a strong heartbeat.  What more could we ask for?  We were scheduled to come back on the Monday if you hadn't arrived so that we could discuss induction.  You were coming out the following week whether you were ready or not!

We left there annoyed at the waiting but glad everything was looking ok.  A woman on my rollercoaster group kept talking about monitoring our babies closely now as they were high risk once you were overdue.  She had me paranoid and so afraid that we had made it that far only to lose you.  I couldn't bear the thought.  We were both so excited and near the end.

Those trainee doctor's words had encouraged me though.  What could go wrong at this point?  You were ok.  You were healthy, everything looked good, and whether you liked it or not you were going to be out in the next week.

Your father headed off to work after the appointment and I hung out around the house.  I was already on my third week of maternity leave waiting for you to get here!  I decided to lie down for awhile.  At some point around 5 o'clock or so I got up to pee (as you do frequently when you have a baby in you at 9 months) and then came back to bed.  You started going berserk as soon as I laid down.  Movement like I had never felt from you.  It probably only last ten - fifteen seconds but it was enough to catch my attention.  I talked to you and told you to calm down. That if you were that excited it was definitely time for you to come out.

Little did I know that you had died at that time.  Your cord was around your neck and shoulder and you moved in such a way that it tightened enough to cause you to die.  Your movements were you struggling to live and let me know something was wrong.  I didn't know at the time that would be the last time I would feel you inside me.  I didn't know as I lie there imagining what life was going to be like in a week that you weren't going to be a part of it.  Our lives were going to change so quickly and in such a terrible way that neither of us imagined.  I didn't know that those movements meant something was wrong.

And for a whole 24 - 30 hours after I was blissfully unaware that you had passed.  I woke up the next morning, I went for my two hour walk, I cleaned the house and then I started worrying about your movements. I took a bump picture for my mom telling her I thought you had moved into an awkward position and maybe that meant you were ready to arrive.  That afternoon,  I thought about the fact that I hadn't felt you move all day.  This was normal though when I was moving around a lot.  You were a calm baby who really only moved if I sat still for long periods of time.  So I sat on the couch and waited.  You still didn't move.  I got some pees from the freezer and that didn't get you to move (your grandmother told me she did this to me when she worried about my movement.  Apparently it made me crazy every time).  I thought about going into the hospital but I had been there the day before and everything was perfect.

Then around 8:00 that night I thought that I had felt movement.  It wasn't much but it was enough to make me think you were ok.  Which made me relax because I was really starting to panic.  Your dad was on his way home from work and if you hadn't moved we were heading into the hospital.  So I remained happily unaware that you were dead.  Convincing myself that you were ok and I was just a paranoid mother.  We had already gone in a couple times over my concern for your movements and everything was fine.  I just assumed I worried too much and didn't want to keep scaring your poor father.

I went to bed around midnight on the 7th of June and as soon as I laid down I felt a pop and just knew.  My water had broken.  Our world was about to change and you were about to be a major part of it.