Dear Andrew,

Every morning I wake up and look at this face and wonder how much you two resemble each other.  I never saw your eyes since you were "born sleeping".  It's something I've wondered about since we buried you.  I was even tempted to look when I held you in my arms but I was so afraid.  I wish I hadn't been as afraid.  I wish I had had the courage to look at your eyes, to examine every perfect little part of you.  But I didn't and now as I look at your brother I wonder how similar the two of you are.  I sit and stare at this perfect human being and wonder if your eyes were the same.  Did you have those big bright eyes that your brother has?  I'll never know now and that just is another thing to be sad about.

You are never far from my mind.  I love you and miss you every day.

Dear Andrew,

I finally sat down and watched Return to Zero this morning.  I'd been putting it off while pregnant with your brother as I couldn't face the thought of reliving losing you while so close to your brother's due date.  I was so afraid that something was going to happen to him at the end that I was paralyzed with fear.

So this morning I sat down with him on the couch cuddled safely in my arms and turned on the DVR.  It wasn't as emotional as I thought it was going to be.  Don't get me wrong, the tears streamed down my face and onto your brother but it was more about reliving what happened to you than what was on the television.  The birth scene where everything is so quiet and then the baby is there and the parents are amazed by how perfect he was really struck a cord.  That was the first thing I said when I saw you.  You were perfect.  Tiny ears and nose, full head of fine hair, chubby little arms and legs.  I was amazed by your perfection.  I still am amazed that you were ever mine.

The movie brought back so many memories that I've tried to push to the back of my mind while pregnant with your brother.  But I can only suppress them for so long.  What happened to you happened to us as a family.  I can't pretend it didn't happen.  I don't want to pretend it didn't happen.  I just wish you were here rather than reliving the memories of your loss.

When we sat down to watch this movie this morning it felt like part of you was there with us.  We were remembering you, together as a family.  You are always loved and always missed no matter where we are.

Dear Andrew,

We brought your brother to visit you for the first time on Friday.  It felt strange to bring the two of you together knowing that you would never meet.  You are now an older brother.  You have a baby brother.  You should be our big one year old with a newborn baby brother.  We should all happily be in the house enjoying life as a family of four.  Me with my house of boys.  We shouldn't be loading your brother into the car to meet you for the first time at your grave.  It's different having your brother with us.  A strange mixture of sadness that you aren't here and relief that he finally is here.  It certainly doesn't make missing you any easier.  I fear that people think Liam replaces you.  That somehow it makes your loss less important in our lives.  I want everyone to know that your brother does not replace you.  You are always our first born and are always the piece of me that is missing.  Every time I look at a family photo I think of that one face that is missing.  That one person that keeps my family from being whole.

Is this what will be normal for Liam?  Visiting his brother in a cemetery and thinking that this is normal.  How will he feel having a mother who will not let people forget about her first born son?  How will he feel that I will always mention you when people ask us how many children we have?  What will we do when he starts asking questions?  What do we do when he realizes that our family isn't normal?  That most kids have siblings at home and never go to a cemetery.  Never mind the fact that this is where he goes to see his older brother.

All these thoughts have crossed my mind.  But the biggest thing in my head is the same that it has been since we lost you.  How different would life look if you were here?  What would it be like to have a one year old and a newborn?  How would you receive your baby brother?  Would you be jealous?  Would you be loving?  Would you two have been best friends since you were so close in age?  Would Liam adore you as you both grew older?

As I sit and stare at him for hours I see a lot of you.  Your noses are similar, the shape of your eyes and ears.  There was no denying that you two were related.  The only real difference is that he has much darker hair than you.  You were fair with a slightly red shine in your hair and your brother has jet black hair.  But your faces are so similar.  I wonder how much more you would have looked alike if I could have seen your face when you were alive.  I do that a lot...wondering about you.

Having your brother here doesn't change how we feel about you.  It doesn't change the fact that we lost you and a part of me died with you on that day.  It doesn't make me miss you and less.  Having your brother here makes me realize even more how much we missed with you.  We missed all those cuddles and funny noises and loving moments that we will never get back.  The way your father adores Liam is something I never got to see with you two.  I never got to bring you home and stare at you for hours and worry about you in your cot next to our bed.  Your brother has only been here 12 days and already I can see how much we missed out on with you.  What will it be like missing out on a lifetime without you?

We love you and miss you so much.  No matter what anyone thinks you are always my first born.  Always one of the loves of my life and always in my heart.  Not a day goes by that I don't think of you and miss you and love you.

Dear Andrew,

Thank you for helping your little brother safely into this world. I wish you were here but you gave us a lovely gift.

I love you.

Dear Andrew,

I'm sitting here thinking about you and hoping your little brother makes his appearance in the next few days.

I was walking by what should have been your crèche this morning and heard the kids outside enjoying the sunshine.  It immediately made me think of you.  The fact that you should be a year old at this point and outside at that crèche playing with all the other children.  Would you be a happy go lucky little boy getting along with all of the other children?  Would you be one of those little kids who gets upset when his parents leave him?  What would you look like now?  What would your personality be like?  I have so many questions about what you would be like now and my imagination runs wild.

I guess it will always be like this.  These little things will make me think of you and I'll always wonder what our life would be like with you in it.  You will always be the person missing from our family no matter how many brothers and sisters come after you.  You'll always be my baby.  A forever baby since I can't imagine what my life would be like with you in it.  I can't see how life should have been.  I imagine it would be a much cheerier life . . .

I love you and miss you forever & always.