Dear Andrew,

We brought your brother to visit you for the first time on Friday.  It felt strange to bring the two of you together knowing that you would never meet.  You are now an older brother.  You have a baby brother.  You should be our big one year old with a newborn baby brother.  We should all happily be in the house enjoying life as a family of four.  Me with my house of boys.  We shouldn't be loading your brother into the car to meet you for the first time at your grave.  It's different having your brother with us.  A strange mixture of sadness that you aren't here and relief that he finally is here.  It certainly doesn't make missing you any easier.  I fear that people think Liam replaces you.  That somehow it makes your loss less important in our lives.  I want everyone to know that your brother does not replace you.  You are always our first born and are always the piece of me that is missing.  Every time I look at a family photo I think of that one face that is missing.  That one person that keeps my family from being whole.

Is this what will be normal for Liam?  Visiting his brother in a cemetery and thinking that this is normal.  How will he feel having a mother who will not let people forget about her first born son?  How will he feel that I will always mention you when people ask us how many children we have?  What will we do when he starts asking questions?  What do we do when he realizes that our family isn't normal?  That most kids have siblings at home and never go to a cemetery.  Never mind the fact that this is where he goes to see his older brother.

All these thoughts have crossed my mind.  But the biggest thing in my head is the same that it has been since we lost you.  How different would life look if you were here?  What would it be like to have a one year old and a newborn?  How would you receive your baby brother?  Would you be jealous?  Would you be loving?  Would you two have been best friends since you were so close in age?  Would Liam adore you as you both grew older?

As I sit and stare at him for hours I see a lot of you.  Your noses are similar, the shape of your eyes and ears.  There was no denying that you two were related.  The only real difference is that he has much darker hair than you.  You were fair with a slightly red shine in your hair and your brother has jet black hair.  But your faces are so similar.  I wonder how much more you would have looked alike if I could have seen your face when you were alive.  I do that a lot...wondering about you.

Having your brother here doesn't change how we feel about you.  It doesn't change the fact that we lost you and a part of me died with you on that day.  It doesn't make me miss you and less.  Having your brother here makes me realize even more how much we missed with you.  We missed all those cuddles and funny noises and loving moments that we will never get back.  The way your father adores Liam is something I never got to see with you two.  I never got to bring you home and stare at you for hours and worry about you in your cot next to our bed.  Your brother has only been here 12 days and already I can see how much we missed out on with you.  What will it be like missing out on a lifetime without you?

We love you and miss you so much.  No matter what anyone thinks you are always my first born.  Always one of the loves of my life and always in my heart.  Not a day goes by that I don't think of you and miss you and love you.