Dear Andrew,

I finally sat down and watched Return to Zero this morning.  I'd been putting it off while pregnant with your brother as I couldn't face the thought of reliving losing you while so close to your brother's due date.  I was so afraid that something was going to happen to him at the end that I was paralyzed with fear.

So this morning I sat down with him on the couch cuddled safely in my arms and turned on the DVR.  It wasn't as emotional as I thought it was going to be.  Don't get me wrong, the tears streamed down my face and onto your brother but it was more about reliving what happened to you than what was on the television.  The birth scene where everything is so quiet and then the baby is there and the parents are amazed by how perfect he was really struck a cord.  That was the first thing I said when I saw you.  You were perfect.  Tiny ears and nose, full head of fine hair, chubby little arms and legs.  I was amazed by your perfection.  I still am amazed that you were ever mine.

The movie brought back so many memories that I've tried to push to the back of my mind while pregnant with your brother.  But I can only suppress them for so long.  What happened to you happened to us as a family.  I can't pretend it didn't happen.  I don't want to pretend it didn't happen.  I just wish you were here rather than reliving the memories of your loss.

When we sat down to watch this movie this morning it felt like part of you was there with us.  We were remembering you, together as a family.  You are always loved and always missed no matter where we are.