Dear Andrew,
As we were leaving your grave today, Liam said "bye bye ACHOO". It was equal parts joyful and heartbreaking. Liam said your name! His brother's name!!! And then I realised he could have said it so much earlier if he grew up with you.
What would you two be like together? Would Liam follow you around in adoration like he does with his cousin Lucas? Would you be a doting big brother leading him astray? What trouble would you two be getting up to? What would our life look like? I always wonder about this when I see Liam with your cousin. It's a small window into what life could have been like. We could have been a happy family of four. Instead of a family of four where one is always missing.
I feel your loss every day. Every day I feel like someone is missing and every day I wonder what today would be like with you here.
I love you.
Sunday, January 10, 2016
Dear Andrew,
I know I haven't written in awhile but you know that I always talk to you. You are my constant companion and I imagine that you always will be now.
Christmas was hard this year. You should be 2.5. Christmas should have been exciting to see through your eyes. We would have been laughing and watching with joy as you excitedly opened your Santa presents. We did this with your brother but at 17 months he didn't know what was going on.
It broke my heart this year buying your Christmas presents to donate to other children. It's lovely to know someone your age is enjoying your presents but it doesn't make buying them any easier. I was standing in Smyths completely overwhelmed by what to buy. Eventually I made a decision but it was hard. I wondered what you would have asked for on your Santa list. Would you have wanted Legos like your brother or Paw Patrol? Would you be into something else like Sesame Street? I don't even know what a 2.5 year old likes and it's hard to accept that I'll never know what you would have enjoyed.
For Christmas we stopped by your grave and gave you a little paw patrol dog. We had to hide it from Liam or he would have claimed it as his own. Christmas Day is always a hard day for your father and I. To me, Christmas is for children. To see the joy and wonder and excitement through a child's eyes. The fact that we will never see Christmas through your eyes makes it such a hard time of year.
I know I haven't written in awhile but you know that I always talk to you. You are my constant companion and I imagine that you always will be now.
Christmas was hard this year. You should be 2.5. Christmas should have been exciting to see through your eyes. We would have been laughing and watching with joy as you excitedly opened your Santa presents. We did this with your brother but at 17 months he didn't know what was going on.
It broke my heart this year buying your Christmas presents to donate to other children. It's lovely to know someone your age is enjoying your presents but it doesn't make buying them any easier. I was standing in Smyths completely overwhelmed by what to buy. Eventually I made a decision but it was hard. I wondered what you would have asked for on your Santa list. Would you have wanted Legos like your brother or Paw Patrol? Would you be into something else like Sesame Street? I don't even know what a 2.5 year old likes and it's hard to accept that I'll never know what you would have enjoyed.
For Christmas we stopped by your grave and gave you a little paw patrol dog. We had to hide it from Liam or he would have claimed it as his own. Christmas Day is always a hard day for your father and I. To me, Christmas is for children. To see the joy and wonder and excitement through a child's eyes. The fact that we will never see Christmas through your eyes makes it such a hard time of year.
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