Dear Andrew,

Your brother has been keeping me busy but as you know that doesn't stop me from thinking of you.  God I miss you so much.  After the first few whirlwind weeks with your brother the longing for you has kicked back in.  It never went away but faded a bit into the background.  But as we have gotten into a routine I feel it coning back in waves. 

We went to see you the other day.  Liam and I came in the morning to visit you.  Just the three of us together.  I wish the three of us were always together.  It was the first time in awhile that I have cried at your grave.  For the past few months I have been able to hold it together but lately I just feel more emotional.  All the cuddles we get with your brother we missed out on with you.  Liam will never get to grow up with you and I feel he's missing out on so much.  You two could have been so close since you are exactly thirteen months apart.  You could have been like two little peas in a pod.  I think he would have adored you.

It's funny but as Liam gets bigger I see more of you in him.  There are certain facial expressions he makes that remind me of you and your father agrees.  You didn't look very similar he was first born but he seems to become a bit more like you as the weeks pass.  It makes it a little bit more sad to see what you could have been like.  And in his eyes I see what your eyes could have been.  The eyes I never got to see...

We took professional photos with your brother when he was two weeks old and made a point of having you included.  So he took photos with the twin of the bear that you are buried with.  It's a little connection and so sad to think this is the closest I will get of a photo with my two boys together.  I miss you so much Andrew.

Dear Andrew,

I was rocking your brother in the chair, looking at him when it hit me how much I miss you.

Your brother makes all these noises while he is sleeping. Would you have done this?

Your brother only will sleep on your father and I. Would you have been like this?

So many questions that I'll never get the answer to. Once Liam was born I had nothing to compare the two of you. We didn't experience anything after you were born except grief. So as he grows there is less to remind me of you. The only comfort I have is that he is the only one who has lived where you have lived. You have that in common and it can never change. Even with your brother here I still  miss you more than I can put into words.

I love you so much.

Dear Andrew,

I find myself so angry lately. 

When we lost you so many people ignored our pain or were there for the first couple weeks and then were never heard from again.  Now that your brother has arrived people are coming out of the woodwork with congratulations, cards, and presents.  Where were they when we lost you?  Surely people need more support when they lose a child and are drowning in grief rather than celebratory and happy.

 I know people don't like to be reminded of how fragile life can be.  I know they don't like to be reminded of what could have happened to them.  But it doesn't make losing you any easier and it doesn't make me any less angry.  I truly feel so angry with these supposed family and friends that I can't think straight sometimes.  It seems so unfair that you get pushed to the side and treated like that.  You are my baby and I want you to be recognized with the dignity, love, and care that you deserve.

A part of me knows that I should let it go but I don't think I'm ready to yet.  Forgiving them feels like I am betraying you.  I'm not ready to forgive those who left us when we needed them.  I don't want them included now.  I want to shut everyone out who hasn't reached out over the past year and tell them to shove it.  I'd use stronger words to get my point across if I could.  I just can't understand their logic.  I can't understand how they feel like it's ok to reach out now.  Like everything is magically better and we can all move on with our lives.

I don't feel like that.  I want you included in everything.  I want you here and part of our everyday lives.  Instead, I'm thrilled and in love with your brother but missing you more than I have in awhile.

I love you and miss you baby.