Dear Andrew,

December 9th, 2013

We have the first scan for your little brother or sister today and I am so scared.   The last scan we had was the one where we were told you had no heartbeat.  What if we go in there and they say the same thing again?  Can I handle it?  What will I do if I have to go through this again?  I just don't think I can do that again.

Every night I replay the night we were told you died in my head.  It has never gotten any easier.  Every night I feel like I'm having a panic attack thinking about going onto that ward.  The midwife saying she felt you move but they couldn't find a heartbeat.  I knew something was wrong because they've never had an issue finding the heartbeat.  The only time we did you were kicking the Doppler so I wasn't even worried then.  The last time we had you scanned I knew something was wrong and I'll never forget.  I remember people snoring in the beds around us as they tried to find a heartbeat.  I remember midwives and a doctor running over to where we were waiting.  That is when I definitely knew something was wrong.  But more than anything I remember looking into your father's eyes before they told us you had died and seeing my fear reflected back in your father's eyes. 

That's when I knew you were gone.  Before they told us anything.

When they did tell us I don't think either of us reacted at all.  You hear stories of people screaming and crying.  We just sat there in shock.  I don't think we could believe it had happened when you were so far overdue.  We had gotten through the nine months and the doctor the day before had said there was nothing to worry about at this point.  How I would love to see her again and tell her how wrong she was.  I'd love to scream at her now actually.

So as you can tell the thoughts of going through this again scares me.  I am afraid to walk into that hospital again and go into those same rooms where they confirmed you were gone.

Please stay with us today and watch your little brother or sister.  We need them here and can't take anymore heartache.  It was too much with you and I don't know if I can add another baby to that pain.

I love you.