Dear Andrew,

We went to a Christmas remembrance service for you on Sunday.  It was a way for us to spend a little time celebrating you before the holidays.

This is our first Christmas without you and used to be my favorite holiday.  Now I can't even stand the thought of it.  Last year, all I could talk about was how we would have a baby this year for Christmas.  How Santa would be bringing you toys and try not to spoil you too much!  How different life has turned out.  Instead this year we will be donating toys for a child your age at Christmas rather than buying toys for you.  We have decided to make this a yearly tradition that will hopefully honor your memory and do something good for someone around your age.  I hope you realize that I would much rather have you here to love.

The service this year was beautiful and emotional.  I was in tears for most of it and even your father seemed more serious than usual.  I thought I was doing ok but this really brought home the fact that I'm not ok.  It made me realize how much I miss you.  For the past few weeks I've been able to put that on the backburner and maybe push my feelings to the back for awhile.  But this service brought it to the forefront again.  I thought it might and I wanted it to.  I want to be sad and miss you because that is how I feel that I should feel.  At this point, I don't think we really deserve to be happy.  It's too soon since we lost you and I don't know how anyone expects me to be happy or celebrate Christmas this year. 

You should have seen all of the candles at the altar for all the other babies who didn't stay with their moms and dads.  It made me realize that we weren't alone in this and that if there is someplace after life then hopefully you aren't alone.  I can't stand the thought of you being all alone.

I brought your Christmas ornament to the service.  That special ornament that I made just for you and will treasure forever.  Your father was so protective of it.  He thought they wanted to keep it and he wasn't having it!  He was so adamant that I make sure we were getting it back at the end.  It was nice to have your name mentioned and I hope somewhere you knew we were thinking of you and trying to honor your memory.

The days since the service have been difficult.  I miss you and the feelings seem amplified since Sunday.  I think between that, the Christmas tree lighting, and the upcoming holidays there are going to be a lot of tears.  But I want you to know that you are never far from my mind and that I love you so much.  You mean the world to me and I would do anything at all to have you here now.

I miss you and love you baby boy.