Dear Andrew,

It's the last day of the year of your birth.  I can't say I'll be sad to see this year go.  It started out as a year we were both so excited for.  The year we were going to become a family!  There would be three of us ringing in 2014!  The year we would finally feel like something we did mattered...the year of you.  The year I would become a mother with a son.

Instead from June 8th this was the year from hell.  Truth be told most of it is one big blur of tears and misery.  It's the year my heart broke and never recovered.  It's the year where I had a life before and a life after.  It's the year I truly discovered what grief feels like.  It's the year that changed who I am and how I think about everything in my life.  Work is significantly less important.  Family is significantly more important.  You are my most important.

2013 was the year I realized that your father is the best thing that ever happened to me and the year I fell in love with your chubby little face.  It's the year I found out all I want is you and yet I can never hold you again.  Even seven months later my arms still ache to hold you one last time. 

I guess 2013 is also the year of regrets.  I regret that we didn't spend enough time with you before we buried you.  I regret that I didn't kiss you enough and tell you I love you enough before we buried you.  I regret that I didn't spend every second cuddling with you for the short few days we actually were able to see you, even if it was only your body.  I wish I had spend more time cuddling with you and taking pictures of you since I didn't realize at the time they were all I'd have left as proof that you existed.  I didn't realize that would become my most precious possessions.

So while I am glad that this year is over, I also realize that tomorrow isn't going to change anything.  I'll still miss you tomorrow.  I'll still be grieving your loss.  I will still constantly think of you.  I will still wake up with a pain in my hear from losing you.  And I'll always love you.