Dear Andrew,

I made it through my first week of work and it wasn't that bad.  I survived and now I'm one week closer to hopefully meeting your brother or sister.

I had a bit of a melt down at work today though.  One of the girls who went on maternity leave before me brought her baby in today.  I wasn't prepared and I wasn't expecting it.  I couldn't even look or talk to her.  I just went in the bathroom and cried.  And then I felt bad for ignoring her.  But I wasn't prepared and it just hit me out of the blue.  Then I came home and fell apart telling your father.

I just miss you so much and want you here.  I want chubby cheeks, baby giggles, and a little person crawling all over the house.

I miss you and love you.

Dear Andrew,

Today was exhausting.  It was the first day back at work and I can tell no one knows how to act around me.  Which is ok as I'd prefer they kind of leave me to my own devices.  You were awkwardly mentioned and then dropped quickly once I started to tear up.  But I understand.  Tears make people uncomfortable and knowing where those tears are coming from makes them even more uncomfortable.  Stillbirth is not something people want to talk about.  But I thought of you all day long.  I wore my necklace with your name on it and your little locks of hair inside.  I always like to have that with me since it is literally a little piece of you.

I find myself so emotional with every change now.  Leaving you for the holidays, your dad going back to work, and now me going back to work.  The smallest thing makes me teary.  I always think I am doing ok but I wasn't like this before you.  I faced everything head on.  I was confident in my work.  I can't say any of those things anymore.

Now I have trouble keeping eye contact.  I don't like to be in crowds.  I have nightmares about losing other family members and wake up crying.  The other night I dreamt about you and just stopped myself from screaming as I woke up.  I'm a completely different person and it's hard to accept.  I'm a bit more fragile but also aware of what I can handle now.  I survived losing my first son.  I'm still here so a part of me has to be tougher than I was before. 

I just miss you so much and you are always on my mind no matter where I am.

I love you.

Dear Andrew,

Today was emotional. I don't know if it's because I'm going back to work tomorrow or it was just a day where your loss hit harder.

We were visiting your grave today. Your father and I were chatting with you like we always do. We started talking about what you should be doing now. Crawling around this tiny apartment and wreaking havoc. And it hit me.  The reality of our situation. We never get to see your cute little face again. I never even saw what your eyes looked like. Most days I can keep it together but today it made me sad. More sad than usual,

After our visit we came home and I started going through your things. I wanted to put your blankets in bags to protect them for the next few months. And it hit me again. All these tiny socks and shoes and pjs that were bought for you and never used. A whole room for you that you never slept in. It's so heartbreaking. I can push it to the back of my mind most days but not today.

I miss you so much. Seeing your hospital clothes in the memory box with your tiny bear really brought it home again. I just want you here and can't understand why we had to lose you. It's just not fair.

I love you and miss you so much baby boy.

Dear Andrew,

There were a lot of people talking about you today me, your dad, our consultant, the midwives.  It was nice to see that even though we are (God willing) having a little brother or sister for you that you won't be forgotten.  We will never forget you but I like when other people say your name.  They put your name all over your little brother/sister's file.  One of the midwives even said that you will be looking out for number two.  All I could say was I hope so.  But deep down I know you have to be.  You have to be there somewhere willing your little brother/sister along the way.

Today was emotional but I always knew it would be.  I was a mess yesterday.  I couldn't sleep last night.  I was convinced there was something wrong with this little one.  What a complete 180 from how I was with you, right?  I don't remember ever worrying with you except at the end when I was counting those kicks.  Even that didn't save you.

I always forget how nice people can be and how surprised I am every time they are nice.  Your death has been so isolating that my expectations from people are practically non-existent.  I'm used to people ignoring us or feeling uncomfortable around us because of what happened.  But today was so different.  Once they saw the letter about your cord accident at 41 weeks they brought us straight in and kept saying they were sorry for your loss.  They talked about handling us with kid gloves and how your little brother or sister won't go to 40 weeks.  Your poor little bro/sis is going to be getting evicted early.  We won't be letting him/her laze about in there like you were allowed to do.

We will be getting a scan at 20 weeks to check for growth and issues.  But we also get another growth scan at 34 weeks to see how your little sibling is growing and how soon we will be able to evict them.  I wish we had gotten this level of care for you.  Not that you needed it as you were perfect and I wasn't the emotional mess that I am now.

Thankfully your father was with me.  He was impressed I held it together for so long.  Sometimes I think he thinks I would just walk around crying all the time if it were up to me!  But he was good and he was there supporting all of us just like he did with you.  I know he was a little anxious as well because once they pulled #2 up on the scan he was right up there looking for that heartbeat.

I miss you so much baby.  I wish your fat little face was here smiling and giggling at us.  But it isn't and we have dealt with and are still dealing with this terrible loss.  It was nice though to feel like we were going to be cared for and that the midwives understood what we were going through.  Now we need you to help us through this.  We need you close to watch and care for your sibling while helping them make it here alive and healthy.

I love you.

Dear Andrew,

I'm scared for tomorrow. It's our first meeting with the consultant for your little brother or sister. I hope with every fiber of my being that he/she is ok. Can we take anymore bad news? Probably. But that doesn't mean I want to.

I'm sad all the time. A part of me died with you that I'll never get back. I would just like a little happiness to help with the dark days.

Right now I keep having nightmares. Mostly about losing this baby but some about you too. It took a lot not to wake up screaming after the last one. And I often wake up crying. I would just like some happiness to temper the desperate all consuming sadness that envelops me sometimes.

I hope you are happy wherever you are baby boy. We love you.

Dear Andrew,

Tomorrow I am going to work to meet up with my boss. I have to admit I'm nervous. Will they even mention you? How awkward is this meeting going to be? How will it feel to be back there?

I think tomorrow and the next few weeks are going to bring a lot of emotions to the surface. The next few weeks are going to be very raw. There are people who might not have heard what happened to you. I don't want to explain what happened to anyone. In reality I don't want to see or talk to anyone. But that's probably not realistic. In fact, it's definitely not realistic. 

I hope they do mention you tomorrow but I should be realistic about that too. It's so disappointing that this is now my life. I knew I would have to go back to work but I just never wanted to face it.  

I miss you and I hope I'm strong enough to get through these extra hurdles in life that come with losing you.

I love you.