Dear Andrew,

Today was exhausting.  It was the first day back at work and I can tell no one knows how to act around me.  Which is ok as I'd prefer they kind of leave me to my own devices.  You were awkwardly mentioned and then dropped quickly once I started to tear up.  But I understand.  Tears make people uncomfortable and knowing where those tears are coming from makes them even more uncomfortable.  Stillbirth is not something people want to talk about.  But I thought of you all day long.  I wore my necklace with your name on it and your little locks of hair inside.  I always like to have that with me since it is literally a little piece of you.

I find myself so emotional with every change now.  Leaving you for the holidays, your dad going back to work, and now me going back to work.  The smallest thing makes me teary.  I always think I am doing ok but I wasn't like this before you.  I faced everything head on.  I was confident in my work.  I can't say any of those things anymore.

Now I have trouble keeping eye contact.  I don't like to be in crowds.  I have nightmares about losing other family members and wake up crying.  The other night I dreamt about you and just stopped myself from screaming as I woke up.  I'm a completely different person and it's hard to accept.  I'm a bit more fragile but also aware of what I can handle now.  I survived losing my first son.  I'm still here so a part of me has to be tougher than I was before. 

I just miss you so much and you are always on my mind no matter where I am.

I love you.