Dear Andrew,

I've been pretty emotional and missing you loads lately.  Tomorrow is Halloween and you were supposed to be a little cow.  Who knows if you even would have fit in it as you weren't in any way small?  In fact, you were in three month clothes when you were born since you were so long.  But we had the zip up suit that has the black spots of a cow with a little tail and ears.  It was so cute and your grandmother sent it for you ages ago.  Right now it's folded up under your crib gathering dust but every once in awhile I pull it out to have a look.  You would've been so cute as a little cow even though your father thought it was going to look ridiculous (ridiculously cute, I say!).

Just know we are always thinking of you and love you.

Dear Andrew,

I miss you so much.  I can't believe it hasn't even been five months when it feels like a decade.  It seems to have hit hard again now that we are back in Ireland.  It brings back so many memories of you and this time last year when I had horrendous morning sickness.  Everything smelled disgusting but I knew it would be worth it in the end when I saw your little face. I used to make your poor dad go eat on the deck and cook food with all the windows open and it wasn't warm outside!  I find myself thinking everyday about how you were happily growing away inside me and what the outcome turned out to be.  I find myself wishing I could go back in time to enjoy my time with you more, to know that your time with me was limited to being in my body.  I kept wishing for you to be here in my arms and maybe didn't enjoy that time I had with you during the nine months inside me.  I know I read to you and rubbed where I thought your back and butt were and played music for you but I wish I had done it more often.  I wish I had spent more time talking to you and reading to you and just enjoying you.

The one thing I am thankful for is a video I have of you kicking inside me.  I sent it to your grandmother because she felt so left out not being here to see my belly grow with you inside it.  Little did I know it would be one of my most treasured things besides the lock of your hair I have in my locket.  It's the little things I have left of you that make me realize how much I loved you and how much I miss you.

Dear Andrew,

Everyone in the family finally saw the tattoo I got of your initials a month ago.  I don't know why I was so afraid to tell them.  I mean I'm not a tattoo person.  This is my first and hopefully my last.  I needed something external and permanent to reflect the internal permanent change that not everyone can see.  Your grandmother was hesitant about it but came around and your grandfather was ecstatic.  He really loved it and noticed it almost straight away.  But who could really say something bad since it was for you?

I love you and now have another permanent reminder that you were once here with us even if it was only for a short time.

Dear Andrew,

We survived our first trip that you were supposed to be on.  Your uncle got married and it was emotional and beautiful but so sad without you.  When we got on the plane I had a bit of a breakdown but your father cheered me up letting me know he was surprised I made it that far.  He just knows me so well sometimes it's scary. I find it so hard to leave you and not visit you for a whole week.  I don't want you to think we'd ever leave you.

When we arrived in Boston your Aunt Michelle text us to let us know that she would come check up on you while we were gone.  It was like an instant relief that made me feel a little bit better.  At least someone was going to see you while we were away!

That evening your father and I went out around Boston and he actually talked about what a hard time he is having without you.  I don't think he's been like this since the first month we lost you and it was nice to hear him talk about you and see that he is upset too.  He hides it so well sometimes that I think he's coping better than I am but it turns out he is just trying to act normal for everyone else.  So there were a lot of tears on the first night we were there but we knew that would happen.  You are always with us and constantly on our minds no matter what we are doing.

The next day your father went to see your cousin who was born on your due date.  I couldn't do it.  It was just too hard and I think it was really hard on your father.  He got to hold him and spend time feeding him and I think it really hit home that you weren't there and this is what we should be doing now.  Poor Ronan is a constant reminder of what we are missing with you.  One of seven reminders that thankfully I was able to avoid while we were over there.  It makes me extremely glad that we don't live there right now as I'm sure I'd have a mental breakdown seeing all those babies your age.

Even though I didn't go see Ronan I grilled your father when he got back.  What is he doing?  Is he crawling?  What noises does he make?  I couldn't help myself.  Since you are our first I don't know what you are supposed to be doing right now and here we have this little guy born the day you were supposed to be born.  It just doesn't seem fair.

The rest of the trip passed without incidence.  There were a lot of tears but that is normal now for me.  I don't think there is a day that I don't cry for you even if it's just a few tears slipping down my cheek that I can brush away.

We bought you a lot of stuff in Boston and Provincetown so we will bring it to you in Glasnevin for your little box.  Even your aunt and uncle got you a little Cape Cod Christmas ornament.  Even though it was a week of celebration you were talked about and thought of constantly.  We miss you little man.

Whenever I missed you this week I just looked at the picture of my two boys on my phone of you and it always makes me feel a little closer to you....

Dear Andrew,

Your grandparents lit this candle for you last night.  A lot of people lit candles for you last night.  It seems your father and I aren't the only ones who miss you...

I love you.

Dear Andrew,

You are constantly on my mind but lately even at night I can't let what happened to you go.  I lay in bed for hours thinking about you while your father lies there snoring.  How does he sleep so easily while I don't even start to fall asleep until nearly four every morning?  I think about what you should look like right now and where you should be developmentally.  I think about your hair more than anything.  I was obsessed with those soft little brown curls when you came out.  I couldn't stop touching it and would just sit there stroking your head whenever we were holding you.  Now all I do is imagine what that little head of hair would look like now.  I wonder what we'd be doing everyday and how different your parents relationship should be with you here.  Some days it doesn't even feel like you were real.  It feels like you were a figment of my imagination.  But then I look at your pictures, my locket, and all the other little signs you were here and I know it was real.  It was horrifyingly real.  I honestly hope I never have to go through something like that again because I'm not sure I could cope.

Life teased me and blessed me by giving you to me for so long.  We were so ready for you and to lose you eight days after your due date seems so cruel.  I find myself constantly asking why and never coming up with an answer.  People say everything in life happens for a reason but I would like to see them come up with a reason as to why we have to suffer and why you had to die.  I don't see any reasoning in that and I know I never will.

I love you so much.

Dear Andrew,

I made this for you today at ALLF.  It was so nice to sit around and talk about you and all your baby friends.  I loved seeing pictures of everyone's babies and to show yours off.  It's unfair that I don't get to show your picture off everywhere.  It makes me upset and angry that I don't have hundreds of pictures of you and will never have any new ones to use and show to everyone... just like any proud mama should be able to do.

I miss you and love you baby boy.

Dear Andrew,

Your God father is getting married next weekend.  I'm so happy for the two of them....I've never met two people more suited for each other than your Aunt and Uncle.  But it's also a time of sadness.  You were supposed to be in the wedding.  We were going to get you a little suit and everyone was so excited to have you there to fawn over.  Now there will be this hole where you should be.  It'll be the unspoken grief of the wedding.  And I feel bad that what happened to you and to us in impacting their day.  This is supposed to be their big day but it's tinged with sadness.  I suppose a lot of what we do now is.  It's amazing how such a tiny person has created such a big hole in our lives.  Not just mine but your father's, your grandparents, your aunts and uncles, and your cousins.  You are missed everywhere we go and constantly thought of and mentioned in conversation.

I have this incredible guilt and slight panic at the thought of leaving your grave for a whole week without any visit from me or your father.  I know it's ridiculous since you are always with us but I don't like the thought of no one visiting you for a week.  It makes me worry that you are lonely or think we've abandoned you.  Please don't think that and know that you will be on my mind the whole time we are away.

I love you.

Dear Andrew,

Yesterday was a difficult day.  But the 8th of every month since June has been a difficult day.  Well, really everyday since the 8th of June has been hell.  You should have been four months old yesterday.  We should have had you in your little onesie taking pictures with your four month monkey sticker.  I was so excited to have an album at the end of your first year showing how you've grown.  Instead the stickers are still in their packaging, sitting in your drawer.  Just like your clothes, your blankets, and the little cow outfit your grandmother bought you for Halloween. 

You should be laughing and smiling by now.  You should be a big boy wreaking havoc on our house, spitting up on us, and crying when you don't get your way.  Your daddy should be holding you while he watches sports.  He was so excited to have someone to watch his millions of sports with even if you didn't care in the beginning.  And I was so excited to just have you.  To have my little man to cuddle with and watch grow up  But that isn't what happened and now it never will.

So happy four month birthday baby boy.

I love you.

Dear Andrew,

I was doing so well the last couple of weeks.  There were tears but rather than hourly they were every couple of days.  I felt like I was not moving on but learning to live with losing you a little bit better. 

I was wrong.

We had the Holles Street remembrance mass yesterday in St. Andrew's.  It was beautiful and emotional and just brought everything back.  I know we are only four months into our journey of your loss but I'm a mess again.  I spend the whole mass thinking of you and crying and then again today.

I miss you so much baby boy.  There are constant reminders of you everywhere.  Even seeing family is difficult since you were one of seven babies due this year on my side and your cousin Ronan is only one week older than you on your dad's side.  Why out of all of those babies did you have to be the one to die?  I'm not wishing anything on my family but I just don't understand why we didn't get to keep you.  Why does everyone else get there babies and we lost you when you were eight days late?  I just can't get my head around it and I don't know if I ever will.

At the mass yesterday there were families, couples, pregnant women, and older couples.  It gave me hope to see other families and know we aren't alone.  It made me sad to think that even fifty years from now we will still be mourning your loss. Your father and I will still visit your grave but we will be old and hopefully have some brothers and sisters for you.  It's sad to think that this never ends.  That we never get to meet you or get to know you and will always feel the pain of your loss even if the feeling just changes the longer we go without you.

I love you and miss you so much.

Dear Andrew,

One year ago today we took a test that told us you were in our lives.  I had suspected it for a week or so but kept putting off testing.  I was afraid to face the fact that you were here!

One year ago I snuck out of the house and bought a pregnancy test.  I came home, took it, and saw that it was positive.  I was scared but so happy.  You were conceived a little earlier than we planned but I didn't care.  I was ready to have a family with your father.  So I went into the other room and asked your father to pause his videogame.  He still laughs about it.  I was sick to my stomach but told him we were having a baby!

Your father was shocked but so excited.  It was not the reaction I was expecting and it made everything better.  I don't know why I was afraid now.  We'd been together five years at that point...you'd think I would know better!  But your father always surprises me with the love and support he gives me daily.  He said we were ready for you and that nothing was better news than this.  That was the start of nine months of happiness with you as our little family grew. 

So, one year later I want you to know everyday something reminds me of you.  Whether it be an anniversary or a song or just a feeling.  I am always thinking of you and always loving you.

Dear Andrew,

We have your footprints and handprints framed with a  picture of you in the nursery. It's nice having something of yours framed and up on the wall.  While we were putting it up your father and I were talking about future brothers and sisters for you and how we have this shrine to you and how that might make them feel.  I hope any future babies feel loved but also know you.  I want them to know that you were loved.  Correction- that you are loved.  I want them to know your short story.  I want them to know how much we grieved your loss.  No matter where you are you will never be left our of the conversations in our household or in our family.

We love you.