Dear Andrew,

I was doing so well the last couple of weeks.  There were tears but rather than hourly they were every couple of days.  I felt like I was not moving on but learning to live with losing you a little bit better. 

I was wrong.

We had the Holles Street remembrance mass yesterday in St. Andrew's.  It was beautiful and emotional and just brought everything back.  I know we are only four months into our journey of your loss but I'm a mess again.  I spend the whole mass thinking of you and crying and then again today.

I miss you so much baby boy.  There are constant reminders of you everywhere.  Even seeing family is difficult since you were one of seven babies due this year on my side and your cousin Ronan is only one week older than you on your dad's side.  Why out of all of those babies did you have to be the one to die?  I'm not wishing anything on my family but I just don't understand why we didn't get to keep you.  Why does everyone else get there babies and we lost you when you were eight days late?  I just can't get my head around it and I don't know if I ever will.

At the mass yesterday there were families, couples, pregnant women, and older couples.  It gave me hope to see other families and know we aren't alone.  It made me sad to think that even fifty years from now we will still be mourning your loss. Your father and I will still visit your grave but we will be old and hopefully have some brothers and sisters for you.  It's sad to think that this never ends.  That we never get to meet you or get to know you and will always feel the pain of your loss even if the feeling just changes the longer we go without you.

I love you and miss you so much.