We survived our first trip that you were supposed to be on. Your uncle got married and it was emotional and beautiful but so sad without you. When we got on the plane I had a bit of a breakdown but your father cheered me up letting me know he was surprised I made it that far. He just knows me so well sometimes it's scary. I find it so hard to leave you and not visit you for a whole week. I don't want you to think we'd ever leave you.
When we arrived in Boston your Aunt Michelle text us to let us know that she would come check up on you while we were gone. It was like an instant relief that made me feel a little bit better. At least someone was going to see you while we were away!
That evening your father and I went out around Boston and he actually talked about what a hard time he is having without you. I don't think he's been like this since the first month we lost you and it was nice to hear him talk about you and see that he is upset too. He hides it so well sometimes that I think he's coping better than I am but it turns out he is just trying to act normal for everyone else. So there were a lot of tears on the first night we were there but we knew that would happen. You are always with us and constantly on our minds no matter what we are doing.
The next day your father went to see your cousin who was born on your due date. I couldn't do it. It was just too hard and I think it was really hard on your father. He got to hold him and spend time feeding him and I think it really hit home that you weren't there and this is what we should be doing now. Poor Ronan is a constant reminder of what we are missing with you. One of seven reminders that thankfully I was able to avoid while we were over there. It makes me extremely glad that we don't live there right now as I'm sure I'd have a mental breakdown seeing all those babies your age.
Even though I didn't go see Ronan I grilled your father when he got back. What is he doing? Is he crawling? What noises does he make? I couldn't help myself. Since you are our first I don't know what you are supposed to be doing right now and here we have this little guy born the day you were supposed to be born. It just doesn't seem fair.
The rest of the trip passed without incidence. There were a lot of tears but that is normal now for me. I don't think there is a day that I don't cry for you even if it's just a few tears slipping down my cheek that I can brush away.
We bought you a lot of stuff in Boston and Provincetown so we will bring it to you in Glasnevin for your little box. Even your aunt and uncle got you a little Cape Cod Christmas ornament. Even though it was a week of celebration you were talked about and thought of constantly. We miss you little man.
Whenever I missed you this week I just looked at the picture of my two boys on my phone of you and it always makes me feel a little closer to you....
No comments:
Post a Comment