Dear Andrew,

Anger.

It's a feeling that I get almost every single day.

I'm angry at you.  For wrapping your cord around your neck when we were so close to having you here.

I'm angry at my mom, who seems callous to me.  She has said some things without meaning to and logically I know I shouldn't be mad at her but I am.  I know she misses you and loves you and is trying her best but I have enough anger for everyone right now.

I'm angry at your father's dad for acting like this is something I should get over.  That I should already be back at work and dealing with life because I will have to at some point as he said.

I'm angry at your father's mother because all she does is cry every time we talk to her or see her.  If I can hold it together then why can't she?  You were MY BABY!!

I'm angry at my cousins who have all had beautiful babies this year and can't be bothered to see how I am doing.  In fact, they avoid me and ignore emails rather than talk to me.  I'm angry at them for making me feel like there is something wrong with me.

I'm angry that out of seven babies on my side and one on your father's side you were the one who didn't make it.  It just doesn't seem fair.  Not that losing you or any baby is fair.

I'm angry that the baby on your dad's side of the family was born on your due date.  He will forever be a reminder of what you should be like.  I love him but am angry about the day he was born.

I'm angry at the people I work with.  The fact that I've worked there nine years and they couldn't even send flowers when you died.  I'm angry that it took them five months to reach out to me and I'm angry that some of them still haven't.  I'm angry at the thought of going back there and having to look those people in the eye.  Those people who can't deal with my grief because it's too hard for them.  God forbid, they imagine what it's like for me who has to live with it for the rest of my life.

I'm angry at my best friend who has proven she is the most self-centered person I have ever met.  I'm angry that she thinks she can just ignore my feelings for months and then expect me to be there for her when her boyfriend breaks up with her.  I will not do it this time.

I'm angry that my life doesn't have you in it the way I planned and imagined. 

I miss you. I'm angry and I'm sad but I miss you too.  And hopefully one day I won't be so angry because that list is pretty long right now and I think it takes away from you.