Dear Andrew,

Your grandmother said something to me the other day that got me thinking.  She said, you are only as happy as your saddest child. 

So how happy are you when one of your children is dead?  I suppose it means you are never truly happy because you are missing a piece of yourself.

I think about that all the time.  How I will never be truly happy again?  Losing you changed my perspective on so many things.  I try to be happy with everyone in my life but there is a part of me that always holds back.  A small corner that thinks I shouldn't be happy because you aren't here.

When you died a small part of me died.  I know it's cliché but I can feel it.  I feel so different.  I don't feel as confident or as comfortable in social situations.  I have no interest in seeing people or talking to anyone.  I've lost who I was before we found out you no longer had a heartbeat.  I've lost a part of me and what's replaced it for now is grief and sadness and anger.  An aching to hold you and have you here has replaced the excitement of your arrival.

It's not the life I expected.  It's not the life I wanted.

I hope one day I can appreciate the time that I had with you and sometimes I do but mostly I regret what we didn't do with you.  I regret what we are missing with you now and am angry that we don't get more time with you.

I miss you and love you.