Dear Andrew,

November 15, 2013

I was lying in bed last night angry.

I am angry that nothing with this pregnancy is going to be fun or easy.  All the joy of having a new baby is gone from our lives.

I constantly worry.  Was I like this with Andrew?  Why don't I feel sick yet?  Does that mean there is something wrong?

I have convinced myself that there is going to be something wrong on the scan so that I can't even be excited right now about your little brother or sister.  I've convinced myself I will somehow lose this baby too.

I don't remember being like this with you at all.  In fact, I was so relaxed it was the first thing everyone commented on.  Don't get me wrong, I followed all the advice of the doctor.  But I was of the opinion you would come when you were ready.  I never worried about scans or anomalies or losing you in the first trimester.

Now it's all I think about.  Is there really a new baby in there?  If so, why do I feel different to how I felt with Andrew (you gave me some amount of all day sickness until 14 weeks, buddy)?  What if there is something wrong with this baby?  What if we lose this baby too?

I'm only five weeks into this and I feel like my nerves are going to be shot by the end (if we make it there).  It's just hard to imagine any sort of happy ending when my pregnancy ended in such a horrible way.  I don't think I will ever believe your little brother or sister will be here until I hold them in my arms and see them for myself.

I want to be excited but I just can't muster any enthusiasm.

I miss you and love you and want you here.  I want both of you here safe, healthy, and alive.