Dear Andrew,

It's been a hard week for some reason.  The hardest week in a couple months.  Missing you seems to have gotten worse and seeing pictures of your cousin make me realize everything we are missing out on with you.  He's so big and you should be too!  There have been a lot of tears this week and a lot of pity parties but I just can't get my head around why this happened to you and why you aren't here.  I know I sounds like a broken record but this is the biggest and worst thing that has ever happened to me and I suppose I'm just having trouble processing that you are gone forever.

My mind constantly goes back to that Thursday evening when I felt you leave me.  How did I not know?  Me, who was so paranoid about your kicks.  I suppose on the Friday I knew there was something wrong but I just didn't want to admit it.  The thought of losing you was too much.  And then it became real that night and now this is the rest of my life.  Missing you and loving you and the overwhelming sadness.

I just wonder if we will ever be happy again.  Will we have a little brother or sister for you that will run around the house and bring us some joy or will you be our only child? Will we forever have this quite house and yearning for someone to fill it with noise only to be left wanting?  I know it's only been five months but I feel the lack of your presence more than ever and am scare for the future and of the past at the same time.

I love you and miss you more each day.