Dear Andrew,

Why is it some days seem bearable and other days tears will come at the drop of a hat?

I can't understand myself or why some days I'm inconsolable and other days I can manage ok.  It doesn't make sense to me.  Part of me feels guilty on the days that I am ok because I feel like I should be sad about what happened to you all the time.  I know in reality I couldn't be like that forever.  It would be too hard to exist in a constant state of pain forever.  But I know a part of me will always miss you and always feel your presence missing from our lives.

I just so badly want you to be here.  I don't even care if all you did was cry and fuss.  At least you would be here.  It's one of those days where it is so hard to get my head around the fact that you aren't here but that you were at one point.  It's hard to reconcile the fact that you were alive inside of me but never outside of me.  I don't even want to think about the fact that you died inside me.  It still makes me want to scream every time I think of it.

I'm writing to you because I miss you, and I love you, and I want you to know that even on the days where I seem ok and am not crying at your grave that I am still thinking of you.  I am still missing you.  I am always loving you.